It's been too long.
I've almost forgotten about this blog. I'm surprised it hasn't been deleted yet.
The semester is over... Finals came and went and I survived...
barely....
... but I did survive nonetheless.
It drained me.
I'm exhausted. 7 weeks after admittance, my sister came home.
It's almost as if she never left.
The trip came and went.
I got high for the first time ever.
It's Wednesday night/Thursday morning today.
New Years Eve is Friday.
I still need to make plans.
2011 looks like it's going to be a year of Fuck-Ups, part 2.
Life is a Fuck-Up.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Fear is only a verb if you let it be, don't you dare let go of my hand
Tomorrow I'm going to step foot in the Mental Health Institute. I'm scared. Not because of what it is, I've already visited Mental Health Institutes. I'm scared to see her. I'm nervous and I'm worried and I'm sad and I'm not quite sure what to say.
You must be thinking I'm the worst sister ever. But really, do I pretend nothing is wrong? Do I discuss her feelings? That seems like something scary - feelings.
I'm much better at writing! I wrote her a 3 page letter yesterday when I was supposed to be writing a 4 page essay - which I managed to finish and hand in today thank you very much.
I do miss her though, I miss her face. But I don't miss the sad eyes. I'm scared to see the sad eyes.
You must be thinking I'm the worst sister ever. But really, do I pretend nothing is wrong? Do I discuss her feelings? That seems like something scary - feelings.
I'm much better at writing! I wrote her a 3 page letter yesterday when I was supposed to be writing a 4 page essay - which I managed to finish and hand in today thank you very much.
I do miss her though, I miss her face. But I don't miss the sad eyes. I'm scared to see the sad eyes.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Ode to Sis
You know what's worse than having your family burst your bubble of happiness?
You know what's worse than having that restrain you to successfully write your Philosophy Essay?
What's worse than this, is being distracted by your sister who's admitted into the hospital. What's worse is knowing that you can't do anything to help. What's worse is knowing you can't see her for another 3 days.
What's worse is seeing your mother return home with bloodshot eyes, what's worse is thinking of your sis when you're trying to write how much society sucks. What's worse is thinking of her when you're eating. Thinking of her when you're reading, when you're studying, when you're breathing.
I love you Sis.
You know what's worse than having that restrain you to successfully write your Philosophy Essay?
What's worse than this, is being distracted by your sister who's admitted into the hospital. What's worse is knowing that you can't do anything to help. What's worse is knowing you can't see her for another 3 days.
What's worse is seeing your mother return home with bloodshot eyes, what's worse is thinking of your sis when you're trying to write how much society sucks. What's worse is thinking of her when you're eating. Thinking of her when you're reading, when you're studying, when you're breathing.
I love you Sis.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
Don't you hate it when (bad) things happen at a time you need them most not to happen?
Because I do. I hate it when that happens.
It happened today.
And that's why I'm here writing about it, instead of reading Plato's Republic.
Often, I live my life in denial. But sometimes, sometimes I open my eyes and realize that I'm living my life with my head stuck half way up my ass.
Today, my newly wed cousin came over for lunch with her parents and her in laws. Most of them had seen my new hair cut - but in it's fake form. They'd seen my flattened out 'good schoolboy' look - and no I'm not a boy.
Today I decided to reveal my hair in it's true form - in it's faux-hawk homogay form.
My family doesn't know I'm gay. God forbid they find out!
After the initial shell shocked expressions and the 'Wow I thought you were the neighbor's daughter', the calm settled and appropriate table conversation took place.
However, once they broke out the desert - they broke out the commentary;
"It looks like you just woke up and didn't make your hair"
"We can see how badly your dad wanted a son" - For the record, I wear eyeshadow and nail polish and own more heels than plaid shirts - in fact I own one plaid shirt. It's not even flannel.
My uncle is more loving with his comments:
"I think I should grow out my hair and you should keep cutting it short. I'd look good with a ponytail right?"
"Short, bald or long, it's just hair. I love you no matter what. It's your personality that I love."
His wife though, has to burst my bubble, she has to take the knife and twist it a little deeper into my gut.
"As long as your orientation is right, it's fine."
My sister catches my gaze and locks her eyes with mine. I can't help but smirk a little sheepishly.
My uncle doesn't come to my rescue. He has disappointed me. I had hope in him...
"It's okay my child, now is the time to do these things. When you get a little older you come to your senses."
My Aunt points out: "Did you hear what your Uncle said? He's implying your not in your senses right now."
I smile awkwardly and hope someone changes the subject before I..
....
I...
... Do what Nikki? What are you going to do? Nothing. You can't do anything.
And this is where I cease talking to myself and dwell into morose thoughts.
Do I really think I'll be happy? Do I actually believe that I'll be okay once I'm shunned from my family? Do I truly hope to provide any of them with any happiness whatsoever?
I hate that this happened today. It happens once every few months, but today of all days?
I have 24 hours in which I must sleep and write a 1300 word paper on the allegory of the 'Cave'. And read the Bible. And go over a few periods in art history for my midterm on Tuesday.
All I want to do right now is curl up into foetal position and die.
Because I do. I hate it when that happens.
It happened today.
And that's why I'm here writing about it, instead of reading Plato's Republic.
Often, I live my life in denial. But sometimes, sometimes I open my eyes and realize that I'm living my life with my head stuck half way up my ass.
Today, my newly wed cousin came over for lunch with her parents and her in laws. Most of them had seen my new hair cut - but in it's fake form. They'd seen my flattened out 'good schoolboy' look - and no I'm not a boy.
Today I decided to reveal my hair in it's true form - in it's faux-hawk homogay form.
My family doesn't know I'm gay. God forbid they find out!
After the initial shell shocked expressions and the 'Wow I thought you were the neighbor's daughter', the calm settled and appropriate table conversation took place.
However, once they broke out the desert - they broke out the commentary;
"It looks like you just woke up and didn't make your hair"
"We can see how badly your dad wanted a son" - For the record, I wear eyeshadow and nail polish and own more heels than plaid shirts - in fact I own one plaid shirt. It's not even flannel.
My uncle is more loving with his comments:
"I think I should grow out my hair and you should keep cutting it short. I'd look good with a ponytail right?"
"Short, bald or long, it's just hair. I love you no matter what. It's your personality that I love."
His wife though, has to burst my bubble, she has to take the knife and twist it a little deeper into my gut.
"As long as your orientation is right, it's fine."
My sister catches my gaze and locks her eyes with mine. I can't help but smirk a little sheepishly.
My uncle doesn't come to my rescue. He has disappointed me. I had hope in him...
"It's okay my child, now is the time to do these things. When you get a little older you come to your senses."
My Aunt points out: "Did you hear what your Uncle said? He's implying your not in your senses right now."
I smile awkwardly and hope someone changes the subject before I..
....
I...
... Do what Nikki? What are you going to do? Nothing. You can't do anything.
And this is where I cease talking to myself and dwell into morose thoughts.
Do I really think I'll be happy? Do I actually believe that I'll be okay once I'm shunned from my family? Do I truly hope to provide any of them with any happiness whatsoever?
I hate that this happened today. It happens once every few months, but today of all days?
I have 24 hours in which I must sleep and write a 1300 word paper on the allegory of the 'Cave'. And read the Bible. And go over a few periods in art history for my midterm on Tuesday.
All I want to do right now is curl up into foetal position and die.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I miss your laugh. I miss remembering what your laugh sounds like
A fire
A fire
You can only take what you can carry
A pulse
A pulse
It's the only thing I can remember
I break
You don't
I was always set to self destruct though
(If there's a rocket tie me to it - Snow Patrol)
I remember being 14 and thinking that life was hard. I remember thinking, hell it can't get harder than this. It only has to get better.
I wish.
I remember being 14 thinking that by keeping me away from you, they were doing me good. They were adults and they knew 'best'
No, I realized they were just a bunch of ignorant bigoted assholes
I remember being 14 and running through the city, almost losing my kilt in the process, to come save you from your own death.
I remember being 14 and thinking that my purpose was to keep you alive and happy.
I know now that maybe it would have been better if I'd let you die.. you would be happy.
I remember your ranting, your raving, your crying your yelling. I just wish I could remember your laugh.
Taz has moved on.
You don't seem to be troubled by it anymore
So why the fuck can't I get over it?
Why can't I move on from the past?
Why can't I let go?
A fire
You can only take what you can carry
A pulse
A pulse
It's the only thing I can remember
I break
You don't
I was always set to self destruct though
(If there's a rocket tie me to it - Snow Patrol)
I remember being 14 and thinking that life was hard. I remember thinking, hell it can't get harder than this. It only has to get better.
I wish.
I remember being 14 thinking that by keeping me away from you, they were doing me good. They were adults and they knew 'best'
No, I realized they were just a bunch of ignorant bigoted assholes
I remember being 14 and running through the city, almost losing my kilt in the process, to come save you from your own death.
I remember being 14 and thinking that my purpose was to keep you alive and happy.
I know now that maybe it would have been better if I'd let you die.. you would be happy.
I remember your ranting, your raving, your crying your yelling. I just wish I could remember your laugh.
Taz has moved on.
You don't seem to be troubled by it anymore
So why the fuck can't I get over it?
Why can't I move on from the past?
Why can't I let go?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Smallprint
This is the small print to this blog.
I have a tendency to:
Ramble
Rant
Procrastinate (therefore, write more useless posts)
Delete blogs
It's here one day and the next day... vamoosh son of a bitch - it's gone
I have a tendency to:
Ramble
Rant
Procrastinate (therefore, write more useless posts)
Delete blogs
It's here one day and the next day... vamoosh son of a bitch - it's gone
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