I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

Don't you hate it when (bad) things happen at a time you need them most not to happen?

Because I do. I hate it when that happens.
It happened today.

And that's why I'm here writing about it, instead of reading Plato's Republic.

Often, I live my life in denial. But sometimes, sometimes I open my eyes and realize that I'm living my life with my head stuck half way up my ass.

Today, my newly wed cousin came over for lunch with her parents and her in laws. Most of them had seen my new hair cut - but in it's fake form. They'd seen my flattened out 'good schoolboy' look - and no I'm not a boy.

Today I decided to reveal my hair in it's true form - in it's faux-hawk homogay form.

My family doesn't know I'm gay. God forbid they find out!
After the initial shell shocked expressions and the 'Wow I thought you were the neighbor's daughter', the calm settled and appropriate table conversation took place.
However, once they broke out the desert - they broke out the commentary;

"It looks like you just woke up and didn't make your hair"

"We can see how badly your dad wanted a son" - For the record, I wear eyeshadow and nail polish and own more heels than plaid shirts - in fact I own one plaid shirt. It's not even flannel.

My uncle is more loving with his comments:

"I think I should grow out my hair and you should keep cutting it short. I'd look good with a ponytail right?"

"Short, bald or long, it's just hair. I love you no matter what. It's your personality that I love."

His wife though, has to burst my bubble, she has to take the knife and twist it a little deeper into my gut.

"As long as your orientation is right, it's fine."

My sister catches my gaze and locks her eyes with mine. I can't help but smirk a little sheepishly.

My uncle doesn't come to my rescue. He has disappointed me. I had hope in him...

"It's okay my child, now is the time to do these things. When you get a little older you come to your senses."

My Aunt points out: "Did you hear what your Uncle said? He's implying your not in your senses right now."

I smile awkwardly and hope someone changes the subject before I..

....

I...

... Do what Nikki? What are you going to do? Nothing. You can't do anything.

And this is where I cease talking to myself and dwell into morose thoughts.

Do I really think I'll be happy? Do I actually believe that I'll be okay once I'm shunned from my family? Do I truly hope to provide any of them with any happiness whatsoever?

I hate that this happened today. It happens once every few months, but today of all days?
I have 24 hours in which I must sleep and write a 1300 word paper on the allegory of the 'Cave'. And read the Bible. And go over a few periods in art history for my midterm on Tuesday.

All I want to do right now is curl up into foetal position and die.